Motherhood - It's My Vocation

Lots of people have been asking me how the adjustment to 3 kids 3 and under has been. They've been asking this since I've had Joan who will be 5 months in a few days. Lately it has seemed like everytime I sit down to write, I am needed - the baby needs to nurse, the boys need me to be mediator...there are days where the neediness just seems constant. This is life with 3 children 3 and under.

My brain has been foggy, and everytime I've been able to sit down to try to type out this post (it has been sitting in my "drafts" folder for over a month now), I've experienced a total writers block. Then my friend Katherine posted this excellent article (written by someone else) on her blog, and I found myself nodding my head in agreement at every line - Yes, Yes, Yes. THIS is what having 3 children 3 and under has taught me...

It has taught me that I am selfish.

I'll admit it - there are times when I'd rather sit on the couch and watch a movie instead of parent my children. There are times when I'd rather sleep through the night than wake up to nurse a baby, grocery shop without listening to someone whine, go see a movie in a theater, go to a Broadway show...and one of these years, I'd love to actually be able to go on the rides at the county fair (as opposed to being pregnant or newly postpartum).

Yes, there are many things I'd much rather be doing on most days than what I'm doing...and at the same time there's nothing I'd rather be doing. I wouldn't give this up for anything.

When I had one child, and then two children, I still had time to read parenting books. My children were so closely spaced that they were still both babies and I could usually get them to nap at the same time therefore giving myself an hour or two of "me time" where I'd indulge myself in reading parenting books, magazine, and blogs.

When baby #3 came along, the biggest adjustment was that that tiny window of "me time" disappeared. I had to re-learn everything. I had to learn how to do chores with a baby strapped to me and toddlers running around. I had to learn how to effectively discipline toddlers from a couch while nursing a baby on demand.

And I no longer had time to read parenting books, blogs, and the like...

and it was the best thing that ever happened to me as a mother.

It forced me to turn to other mothers. It forced me to watch other more seasoned moms who had raised good children. It occurred to me that the proof is in the pudding - the best way to learn how to parent good children is to observe mothers who've raised good children.

Having three children so closely spaced has taught me how little I know about having children. I am much less judgmental than I used to be, and if I read advice I used to give mothers of 8 children, I blush from embarrassment.

In Summary:

• Spend a day or two with a more experience mom who has raised good kids. Help her fold laundry, help her cook, observe her - watch how she disciplines her children, watch how she structures her day. Follow her around with a clipboard if you need to! If you want what she has, do what she does.

• Don't waste your time reading parenting books - find a mentor mother and observe her. Just like vanity magazines will make you feel fat and ugly, parenting books will make you feel like a bad parent.

• Pray a family rosary. Don't give excuses, I already know them and I have the same ones...just do it.

• Take action in putting your family in a good, solid, faith-filled community with like-minded people and reverent Masses. Nothing else is more important. If you don't have this, change something - move your family or start a reverent Mass.

• Have good girlfriends you can be real with. We women like to compete with each other. Find at least one friend or two whom you can really be yourself around. If you don't have such a person, pray about it.

• These women did not let themselves get sidetracked by technological distractions - any eMails, for example, were sent at a set time in their schedule called "computer time." I think this is a big problem of mine. It makes me think of Huxley's epic prediction - that our society's infinite appetite for distractions would be its downfall.

• Remember that motherhood is a vocation - it is a calling. Death to self is the secret...and as Christians, we know from the example of Christ and the saints that it's in giving up ourselves and following Him that we truly find ourselves.

The biggest common denominator I observed when I spent the day with older mothers who "had what I wanted" was how seriously they took their vocation as mothers. To them, it was clear that motherhood was clearly a full time job. There were no TV breaks, no yelling at their children from couches while they relaxed, no fast food - there were no shortcuts. Every task was done patiently, lovingly, and with purpose - from the biggest tasks (such as praying) to the smallest tasks (such as folding laundry).

These mothers had structure and routines. When they woke up they got dressed and prepared for their work day. It was always clear that motherhood was their full-time job and that they took it very seriously. Everything had a system, every little thing had a place - organization was key.

These mothers also relied on older children to help out - something we younger mothers haven't earned yet...how easy it is to forget that one day our children will grow into helpers!

These mothers were the most selfless women I had ever seen, and they had a radiant glow about them. They weren't interested in watching TV. They weren't interested in all that they were missing out on in the world. They were genuinely interested in their children...and in me.

So instead of giving new mothers a gazillion parenting books, suggest to them that they find an older mother who has raised good children. Encourage them to observe her. They will learn more from her than they will in reading 1,000 pages.